Puñetah!

Gurls, please excuse the title ah, i know it is PROFANITY, but i can't help it.

It's been quite a while since my last correspondence. I quit my job kasi with the Indian family. They wouldn't allow na kasi casual Saturdays and Sundays. (ano sila, masaya? eh super chaka ng uniform ko noh.) Well anyway, so i packed na my Louis Vuitton Carry-all and Steamer bag and put na all my stuff there. (Oy orig yun ah, kahit i-blow torch yun di masusunog, and hindi mahaharang sa airport or sa customs!)

SO eto ako nakikitira muna with my cousin Bebeng na working as Call girl sa call center. Ewan ko ba kung bakit di ko kilala yung brands nung bag nya ah alam ko fashionista din yun nung kabataan namin. kasi yung bags nya were Secosana and Cose. I don't know kung saan galing, pero whatever.

Eto nakiki-Wifi muna ako sa kapit bahay using my Powerbook. kaya mega-update na ako ulit! yehey.

Now that i have some free time on my hands, baka manood ako ng sine mamaya dun sa Makati Cinema Square.



Oy Jhuvs, thanks sa South Park DVD, super funny talaga. Actually i orgasm everytime i see Matt Stone. am i weird? lech.

xxx V.

Style or Substance

Mga Dhays,

Bherns im really sorry, but i cant really visit you and share your pains! Actually just visit you and leave you with your pains, i have lots of pains na eh of my own! Concerning naman sa necklace at earrings, just make isip na what Noxima Jackson said...in times like this, it always come down to the old age of deicision making...STYLE OVER SUBSTANCE. hmmmmm....Just keep the necklace dhay, im sure vhivhi will agree with me on this one. Well, meron akong few theories:

1. Tomboy ang amo mo kaya ka binigyan ng necklace.

2. Sadyang malibog lang ang amo mo na gusto nya maki 3way sa inyong magasawa, suhol nya ky Dudong ang hikaw at sayo naman ang kwintas.

3. Bucklah si dudong feel nya yung hikaw kaya binigay ng ma'am mo.

4. Lukareth lang ang amo mo kaya bingay sa inyo ang mga yan.

Pero di ko pa rin ma view ang angle na mya relasyon ang asawa mo at ang amo mo...we need for evidence. Kaya, for now keep those alahas...suot mo lagi, kapag naglalaba ka at nagplaplantsa...taray diba! Get well soon.

Vhi kamusta naman sa park? Nakita ka daw ni Gemmalyn (suka muna) nung isang araw! Ikaw ha, u have something u dont share...kainis!

Sige na mga dhays, magluluto pa ko ng daing! Leche talaga si ma'am Nieves. Super baho pa nman nung dry fishy like thing na un..yuck!


xxx


jhovs

PS. Bherns wait mo lang ung pinadala ko sa yong Patchi Chocolates, inorder ko pa kasi eh

Get Out!

Bernadette! Get out of the room!

got your message in my blackberry when i was in the tub relaxing with exotic Mongolian aromatherapy and music from Yo-Yo Ma in my video Ipod.

Dyos ko, papatayain ka nyang nurse mo. pero do not worry, ipapadala ko sa driver ko si Mang Edgar yung tracksuit kong yellow and matching Asics sneakers, pasensya ka na di ako pwedeng lumabas. papagalitan ako ni Madam.

We'll have to investigate na the Affair of the Necklace. Inform Jhovs.

Take care! mag-ingat ka.

xxx, V.

may i borrow naman for sometime nung necklace? taray eh.

The Affair of the Necklace

Dear Jhoverlyn and Violeta,

Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu...I am very mats upset! Too upset to even vomit lunch like I usually do! I feel like doing a jackknife on Park Avenue! Help me mga dhay...HELP ME!!!

I don't know what to make of it, but my instinct tells me something fishy is going on, and my basic instincts are usually always true! Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu...Remember the Harry Winston Wreath Necklace I got from Mam Chona? I was supposed to wear it during the Emmys...but I got really upset and decided not to go. (actually ayaw man ako payagan ni mam Chona dhay na pumunta. that beeeeyotch!) I got upset kase...huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu...when Dudong saw me trying it on, he told me he had a gift for me! I was so happy because Dudong has never given me a gift before! (my Cloroxed monique lhuillier was from his family) He handed me a small box...omigosh it looked like a piece of jewelry! I thought maybe it was a princess cut diamond ring from Tiffany's, or even a vintage Cartier art deco brooch! I was the happiest chiminie alive! But when I opened the box dhays, there was a pair of earrings...it looked familiar...it was just not a pair of earrings...they were Harry Winston...it was the matching earrings of the diamond necklace Mam Chona gave me!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

I forgot what happened next. I must've fainted. I'm now at the hospital, teynks gad I have my blackberry with me. Mga dhays, are you thinking what i'm thinking?? How could Dudong afford those earrings??!! And why was it the matching earrings of the necklace?? I smell something I usually smell only at the talipapa. I don't know what to do.

O siya mga dhay, nandito na yung nurse ko si Elle Driver. She's so nice and sexy. So blonde and beautiful. She whistles all the time kaya I feel happy. Mam Sonya sent her daw to take care of me. it was nice of her after all i'm here lying in the hospital because of her. Doesn't my nurse look familiar?


Where nga ba have we seen her? Anyway, come visit me at the hospital mga dhays...I miss you and need your support through this tough time in my very eventful life.

Yours truly,

Bernadette

Pampasuka Sa Pananghalian

Mga dhays i dont need to explain pa this......Ma'am Nieves make panood noon time shows habang nakain...like nya this pair isang bucklang pacute at isang mukhang ewan...ugh! ang cheeeeeeeeeeap talaga!...magsamasama silang mga cheap sa impyerno! mas jologs pa kay jolina!


hmpf!


constipated jhovs

"I no inggiters, i upset leche!"

Ate Vhi at Bherns

Upset lang talaga ko, kasi single pa rin ako! I make channel na lng all my fraustrations sa kasal ni Bherns. pero in reality wala talaga akong pakialam kung 10 beses syang ikasal at di nya tyo invite noh! Anayin sana kipay nya! (Joke lang Bherns)


Tama na ang drama, baka magsmuds ang aking mascara, gothy pa rin ang drama ko. Last day ng luksa ko over my Pucci dress. "mamatay ka na gemmalyn, kunin ka na sana ni satanas!!!"
Comment ko lng dun kay Bherns, tungkol sa Harry Winston necklace...baka tomboy lang yang ma'am sonya mo? EWWW!

Mga dhays, im excited kasi next week magbabakasyon dito sila sir Luke at ma'am Nimpa. Halos one year din sila hindi umuwi, take note from Paris noh!. May pasalubong kya sila sa akin??? designer bag? yes! designer top? yes! yes! designer perfume? yes! yes! yes! Aba dapat lang yun noh! ako ata nagbabantay ng mga anak nila kapag lumalamyerda silang magasawa! Pero im a bit confused, di ko alam kung kanino ako mas happy kapag nakita ko, kay sir Luke or ma'am Nimpa? wala lang... At syempre it goes without saying noh, ehm si ma'am Nieves, didisplay na nman lahat ng delatang imported. Naku ung iba ata dun expired na..pero display pa rin nya! Papasikat na nman sa french nyang manugang...at im sure my ma'am nieves will make use na nman daw her second language which is "frents"...thats french kya...you're so tonta talaga nieves! hahaha!!!



au revoir

jhovs


ps. sana hindi airline kit pasalubong sa kin

Reaction Paper (parang high school, ha?)

Dear Bhee and Jhuvs,

Ay nako, i never could imagine Bherns eloping with someone. Pero it's not impossible for a hopeless romantic like her. Typical Bernadette kung baga. Well i hope na lang Dudong will make you happy, day. Pano na si sir Richard nyan? you'll leave him broken hearted. hahah.

Sayang wala ako sa wedding this could've been my look: Rinko Kikuchi in Chanel at the 79th Annual Academy awards.

Yung dress mo, for sure there's a way. why don't you cut it and make it a cocktail dress? parang si Margaret Thatcher, pinaiksian nya yung wedding dress nya para magamit pa nya in some occassions.

Sige, i'll wait for your giveaways. i think Sush and Aish will enjoy it. Kasi hilig nilang paglaruan yung James Cooper make up ni Madam Manpreet. Favorite ni Madam yang brand na James Cooper. Feeling kasi ni Madam nagiging kamukha nya daw si Sharmaine Arnaiz pag ginagamit nya daw yun (Eh feeling ko si Odette Khan ang kamukha nya noh.)

Pero i smell something fishy ha. (hindi yung kili-kili ni Patring na labandera nila Doña Ingrid.) i mean, bakit ka bibigyan ng Harry Winston ng amozona mo? we'll have to investigate further about this.

And Jhuvs, huminahon ka nga. baka naman inggiters ka lang.

Sige at pupunta pa kami ni Madam sa Podium, wag naman sana poser si Madam parang yung amozona mong si Nieves. Nakakahiya v. much.


Kisses xxx, V.


shet si Pol, nakita ko sa labas, sumesenyas punta daw kami sa park! Bakit kaya???

Ultimate POSER

Dear Bherns and Vhivhi...

Bherns, Thank you na rin sa give aways although mej allergic ako sa Kokuryu pero chika na...malapit na rin masira ung Ever Bilena na kalso ko sa dresser mabuti na rin yung may back up...jus kidding! Im greatful na rin kahit papano.."pero puck you ka parin leche ka" hmpf!


Mga dhays, nagyaya si ate nieves, oops i mean ma'am nieves (kahit anong itawag mo sa kanya ang chaka pa rin) mag grocery. Im excited, kasi pwede akong magdress-up.yesss!


"Jhovy suot mo yung bagong binili kong uniform mo!" sabi ni nieves.


"aba! mother fucker talaga itong punyetang to"...im so inis talaga.


So ano pa ba magagawa ko, i made suot na my uniform...ang kati kati...kacha ata ang fabric...so pampalubag loob, instead of wearing the ghastly scarf that came with the Katol Apparel...I make gamit my Jim Thompson silk scarf! Buti na lng matching.

Eto ah atin atin lng ito mga dhay! Si ma'am Nieves is the ultimate Poser! Punta kami ng Rustan's pero iikot lng yan sa mga aisle dampot ng dampot ng stuff hanggang mapuno ang cart, tapos ikot lng ikot..hanggang masalubong nya ung mga amiga nya!


So un beso beso ang mga puta! mga mukhang bangkay na sa sobrang banat ng mga mukha! So mga 2 hours kami ikot ng ikot...kasama na ang magchika nya sa mga amiga nya...tapos alam ko na kapag pagod na yan..kukuha na sya ng basket at bibili ng bread! pathetic talaga! uuwi kami ng bahay na tinapay lng ang dala...LECH!


so pano gtg ill make kwento next time...


xxx

Inis jhovy

ps. leche ka nieves

Make-up Wars

Mga dhay!

Padalhan ko kayo ng wedding give-aways ko. I'm sure it will top both your Avons and Ever Bilenas! I had to make pakyaw Kokuryu at SM for my give-aways, I told them na lang that I was donating them to the "Ganda ng Lola Moh" charity program of Manay Ricky. They gave me pa a discount and told me that Kokuryu will sponsor my make-up for the wedding! I really love those SM ladies, kaso they should learn how to put on make-up. They should take tips from Pat McGrath, this is what she did to me on my wedding using Kokuryu:


I heart Kokuryu! Full Kokuryu collection yan give-away ko ha! Enjoy!

Did I mention mga dhay that my amo Mam Sonya gave me an english tutor as a wedding gift? I need to learn how to speak english daw sabi ni Mam Sonya. Do I now speak better english? Kaso I think the english tutor likes me, he's been sending me chocolates from Godiva. I told him what I really like are Harry Winston diamonds. I think it turned him off, but strangely enough Mam Chona gave me a Harry Winston necklace!!! Why kaya? I feel she has an ulterior motive....but what??

Dhays, help me understand Mam Sonya.

Confused Bherna

Never a Bride..Always a Maid

Dear Bherns,


Congratulations! Tapos, pakshet ka bakit di mo kami ininvite, alam mo naman ultimate dream ko maging bridsmaid...haay..U know nman na wala akong pagasa kay Vhioly sex lng ang habol nya diba...ganyan ang look ko sa wedding mo if ever...it will be glam and fab despite of the making sanla the baboys and bakas! Haayy...im just bitter kasi im still single and looking..."pero tangina mo pa rin Bherns...leche ka"

Kita na lng tayo sa talipapa laters!

sad jhovy


PS. Ung dress mo saksak mo sa baga mo!!! che!

Lorna T.

Dear B&J,

Hahahahaha! Ever Bilena? God, how cheap. I remember tuloy yung dating labandera dito sa mansion. Si Lorna Tumolva, Lorna T. for short. Super mega-idol nya si LT day, at araw-araw na lang, lagi syang nag-dradrawing ng nunal sa nguso nga with the use of a pentel pen (Ahhh so yun pala ang reason why she has a pentel pen dun sa kikay kit nya, kasama yung mga unbranded nyang make-up, ew.)

"Lorna, bakit ba nagdrawdrawing ka pa ng nunal sa ibabaw ng labi mo eh meron ka na sa ilong at sa pisngi? Over na! mashdo nang marami! Dalian mo at marami pa tayong gagawin today." I said.

"Ati Ve (ew, she used to call me that,) eto ang lok ni Lurna Te. Pakelam mu ba? kase de lang bagay sa yo. Engget ka lang, day." she answered.

Ok. di ko na pag-aaksayahan itong tikbalang na to. Anyway, asenso na sya. "Product Distributor na daw sya! Oh diba! "Avon Lady and Natasha Dealer na ang lola mo!

Well she visited one time and she made alok to buy her stuff noh. Mega-introduce pa sya ng newest line of Avon Lingerie and scents. Meron pa syang catalogue, yung small, glossy na may mga naka-pose pang girls na naka-panti't bra lang. Then yung catalogue ng natasha was the same, only bigger, at puro damit na sportswear.

As if! hello? Avon, Natasha and I do not mix, excuse me. Sanay lang ako sa catalogue na natatanggap ko thru mail from LV. Besides, ano na lang ang sasabihin ng mga amiga-chimini-aa ko? And, sa Shisheido, Lancome at Chanel lang ako hiyang. and as for underwear, Victoria's secret lang ako, mind her. and as for her Natasha products, sorry, definitely not my style (Baka kay Cristy Fermin pwede pa.)

"Lorna, di ko gusto, di yata bagay sa akin," i said trying to be polite.

"Ay nako, bakit kasi gusto mo yung mga Berseys (Versace,) Tsanil (Chanel,) Way is il (YSL,) na yan! eh ang mamahal naman nyan day!" hirit nya.

not to mention Prada, Hermes and Fendi, i wished to add.

Ay nako, some people will never ever get the sense of "good investment" when it comes to clothing. Pity pity pity.

"Eto na lang day, maganda! Natasha! T-shirt day! de pa keta nakeketa naka-teshert, day! Eto komekenang-kenang pa ang logo, day! o se? Na-ta-shaaaa... (tinuturo pa yung letters dun sa t-shirt as if di ako marunong magbasa.) patok day! "

"Pero di naman Natasha ang name ko, day" sagot ko.

"konwari na lang ikaw si Natasha Lidisma! u deba? Natasha Lidisma ang dating mo day, bagay na bagay. Shushal diba?"

Di ko na matandaan kung ano nangyari next dahil hinimatay na ako.

xxx, V.

Trajedya de Boda

Dearest Jhovs and VhiVhi,

Nako mga dhay sorry di man ako nakapagpadala ng imbitasyon sa aking engrandeng kasal! Yes mga dhay kinasal na kami ni Dudong, aru I am beri mhats in lab! Bata pa ko pinangarap ko na magtanan, at sa wakas tinupad ni Dudong ang aking minimithing pangarap na bituin!!!

Umuwi kami sa pamilya ni Dudong sa Cebu. Ang bait ng pamilya mga dhay, isinanla nila ang kanilang mga baka, baboy, at manok sa Cebuana Lhuillier para lang makapagpagawa ako ng wayding gown! Nireper ako ng sanlaan kay Monique Lhuillier, para daw pagkatapos ng kasal maisanla ko ang damit para naman sa aming honeymoon. Ang ganda ganda dhay ng gown ko! I pelt like a princess punzalan...

Kaso mga dhay, may karumaldumal na pangyayari sa araw ng kasal namin ni Dudong. Ako'y nagbibihis nang biglang pumasok si Dudong sa aking kwarto. EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Napasigaw ako dahil bawal makita ng grum ang brayd sa kanyang wayding gown bago ang kasal!!! Sabi ni Dudong di na nya mapigilan ang kahayokan na nararamdaman nya...di na rin ako nakapagpigil...at ayun, nag mayk-lab kami sa napakatigas na batong sahig! Ang sarap sarap mga dhay, para bang nanalo ako sa Miss U ang pakiramdam! At sa huli, nangyari ang di ko inaasahan mangyari...nang hinugot ni Dudong si Dudong junior...tumalsik ang clorox sa aking Monique Lhuillier! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Walang hiya ka talaga Dudong! It's a trajedya de boda! I hayt you Dudong! (but I lab you Dudong junior!)

Ay nako mga dhay. I was a disinfected and bleached brayd. Di tinanggap ng sanlaan ang Monique Lhuillier ko. Ang plinano naming honeymoon sa Maldives ay na uwi sa Soriadivs. Kainis talaga si Dudong! Hmph!

Mga dhay, anong gagawin ko sa Monique Lhuillier ko???

Lab,

Bherns

Ever Bilena For Ever

Vhioly Darling,

I don't know where Bherns is, maybe she's just busy..making landi to the guards. Ang kateeeeh! Lilitaw din yan si Bherns. I tried calling her sa mobile nya, pero ringback lang Aegis song. She hasn't returned any of my calls.

Thanks sa pakikiramay mo ah! Malapit na ang pa-syam kaya medyo down pa rin ako...gusto ko ng ilibing sa limot ang dress at ilibong din ng buhay si Gemma-ew! Ulikba!!! to the highest degree. Pero day! I have some kainis kwento for you...diba nga im making luksa, so im not in the mood of making myself pretty...so for the past few days im sporting goth look...as in mega eyeliner!!! so im like putla in a way...Lagi ako na black dress and slingback strappy sandals...of course with my big white hat kapag nagdidilig...saka i dont smile at all even sa mga amo ko! Kanina napansin ng dragon...

"Jhovy, anu ba yang itsura mo?...parang byernesanto!"

"Ma'am i think its no longer in your jurisdiction to criticize my appearance. For my sole purpose here in this manner is to serve and look after your offsprings and I am doing it beyond your expectations. My looks is the least of your concerns."

At that point di lang talaga napigil ang sarili ko...so syempre tulo na naman ang uhog ni maam.

(isang malalim na singhot)

"ano ba jhovy alam mo namang di ako nakakaintindi ng kapampangan, hala kunin mo ung bag ko may bibigay ako sa iyo"

What on earth nman ang bibigay ng dragon na to? So with my glacial pace i retreived the bag and handed it tto her.

Day ang leather bag ni ma'am nagmumura! Alam mo ung pagnabagsak mo eh mababasag ung leather bag...kakaloka!!! So yun sabay labas ng isang kit...take note kit from an airline...gusto ko ng himatayin but i kept my equanimity till....

"hayan sayo na lng yang EVER BILENA compact ko...paubos na bibila nman na ko ng bago"

I didnt say a word! Just imagine that piece of shit, will be in the company of my Cle De Peau, Paula Dorf and of course Chanel make up....isang malaking SHET! talaga si ma'am.

So i took it "thank you" ....sabay talikod. back in my room i placed it on top of my dresser...i was looking at it...its dreadful!!! uterly awful...an atrocity! But now i have a better use for it day! hindi na mauga ang dresser ko...im sure happy na ung compact sa pagiging kalso...thanks uli ma'am.

till here

jhovy

p.s. ang cheap talaga ni ma'am

Where's Bherns?

Jhovy dearest,

Where the hell is Bherns? I have been waiting for her call in my Blackberry ha! Super tagal na! For sure, lumalandi na naman sa mga guards and drivers sa kapitbahay! hmmmmp!

Anyway, kapag nagkita kayo, pakisabi naman yung Chanel quilted bag ko ha! yung 2006 Cruise collection. Light blue yun. Alam na nya yun pag nabanggit mo sa kanya. I need it kasi this week. Mag-shopping daw si Madam Manpreet sa greenbelt (Feeling sosyal na naman si madam.) I do not want naman na patalo ako mga susyal na yaya dun anoh!

Anyway, kilala ko yang si Gemma-ew. V. shungaks talaga yan ever. Marami na akong narinig na chikadees tungkol sa bruhilda koronel na yan. Kawawa naman yung Pucci. Kailangang ipagluksa. I will wear the black Escada dress for the whole day today.

xxx, V.

BLEACHED!!!

Dear Vhioly and Bherns...



Sad naman ako sa nangyari sa iyo, lalo na sa shoes mo. Payo ko sa iyo daganan mo ng 2 kilong asukal sa ulo ung aso na yan kapag nainom ng tubig nya...nang malunod yang pango na aso na yan...explain mo na lng freak accident...Anyhu! speaking of empire waist...remember ung Pucci cocktail ko?....i'm still recovering from the horror!!! 2 days ago...nagoffer si Gemmalyn na labhan ung damit ko...ung punggok na ita na rebond ung hair, remember? I said...kakalaba ko lang kahapon...tapos naalala ko ung daster na binili ng amo ko for me...i swear to god its completely diabolical!!! "Wait gemmalyn! (pause ako sandali kasi hindi ko talaga masikmura ang name nya) may daster dun sa bintana ng room ko nakahanger, labhan mo tapos sau na lang!!! takbo nman nman si ulikba (Fetch u little piece of s....)

"Jhovy!!!" sigaw ng amo kong amazona. So yun na, the usual may pinagawa na naman...Eto na pagtapos pagbalik ko sa room ko, to my full horror..,nakasabit pa ang daster of disaster!!! at wala ang Pucci dress ko day!!!

No!!! No!!! No!!!..this can't be happening...takbo ako sa likod...(bugtong hininga muna) sabay sigaw ng Gemmaaalyyyyn!!!!

Here's the scene....Nakasampay ang faded na kulay ng dress ko(napakulipit ang sinapit ng dress imagine spindry at bleach pa) huhuhu!...Si Gemm...ayoko na mention uli name nya! Nakasmile sa kin..."Tenk you Dyube! (its Jhovy) ....So may lagnat ako ngaun...at iniisip kung paano babalatan ng buhay ang ita!...let it be a lesson to the both of you! ayt! "dont leave your valuables hanging around"

till here...

inom pa ko ng paracetamol!

jhovy

Prada shoes

Dear B J (Bherns and Jhovy, Bastos)

Nakakalowka, so remember Ramayana? yung dog nila madam Manpreet? yung super chakang pug na wala naman kwenta! Di naman nagbabantay ng bahay! (Lecheng aso, super smelly as in!) Anyway, so i made pasyal the doggie sa Bel-air, just around rockwell. I figured it is Friday (Wash day! yipee!) so i can wear my super cute fashions! It was kinda chilly outside because of the weather so i put on my vintage YSL olive green empire waisted shirtdress, chocolate brown tights and yung chunky Prada Mary Janes. (yung suot ni Thalia nung pumunta sya dito sa pinas to promote Marimar.)

So i got the stuff ready, yun plastic na lalagyan ng dog poo, my bottle of evian (no less) and yung good morning face towel ko (pinag-iipunan ko pa yung Louis Vuitton na towel na nakita ko sa Greenbelt 4.)

So yun we went to rockwell, pero syempre daan muna ako kay Midi (my love.) pero ang nandun lang ay si Nacio (Ewwww.) so at that point, imbyerna na ako.

Parampage-rampage na kami sa Rockwell and mega habol ako sa punyetang aso (hello, hirap mag-run sa heels!) Finally, tumigil na rin sya at nagsimulang mag-isniff-isniff sa paligid. "ay natatae na na sya! yesss, yess!)

then to my horror, watery ang poo ni Ramayana!!!! How can i make pulot the tae? kainis naman! so mega pa-simple na lang ako to walk away. pero nakita ako nung guard! dyahe! so i made run run run na towards the gate of Bel-air! I was not sure kung nakita nya ako, pero kakatakot talaga... then more horror came: Napudpod ang heels ng Prada shoes ko! HUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHUHU! kainis talaga!

Di ko na nga nakita si Midi, i ruined pa my shoes. punyetang aso! i hate Ramayana v. much! mamatay na sya. >:(

huhuhuhuhuhu.....



xxx, V.


...teka, cute ba yun guard?