Tira Tirang Kwento

Dear Vhi,

How are you? hope things are okay at your end. Pasensya na at ngayun lang ako uli nakasulat sa iyo. Im sure narinig mo naman nangyari kay Mam Nieves? Inatake ng highblood, nung new year. She made fiesta kasi sa lechon sa club house. ayun nagfiesta rin ang taba nya...Umuwi si ma'am Nimfa para alagaan ang matron. My God kala ko katapusan na nya...well sabi nga nila ang masamang damo, ay parang baboy damo. haaaaay! shes recovering na naman, shes just watching telenovelas, her beloved hobby. Anyway, I am a bit concern kasi i havent heard from Bherns, i went to visit her and her amos said she run away daw! And all what's left is this thing...wala din nmang balita ung mga amo nya...her phone is dead...let me know na lang kung may balita ka sa kanya...

Nabalitaan mo ba yung bagong chiminee sa Lisbon Street, di raw feel ni Gemmalyn, masyado daw nagmamaganda. I told Gem "Gem eh kahit naman sino mas maganda sa iyo"
Aba nagwalk out pagkatapos hiramin ung tambak ng S-magazin ng elepante from the hospital.

till here muna...


all love

jhovs

Happy New Year, mga Pops Fernandez!

Mga Ateh!!!

Happy New Year! Year of the OXXX! for sure Ox and Ox ang taon ko ngayon! Kung recession man or global crisis, eh wala namang recession ang pops fernandez ko! kaya tuloy ang business! business as usual ba! Alam nyo naman ako, di napapagod sa mga notes! hihihihi!

Anyway, attached is a picture of me preparing for the Chinese Parade sa Ongpin. Dito kasi sa Village namin, yung mga amo namin dapat ipangalandakan ang mga beauty ng mga longkatuts nila tuwing new year. Isasali pa nga daw nila ako sa 'Miss Maid in Chinatown' kasi daw maganda ako. Haller! anong akala nila sa akin cheap???? hindi naman ako yung dati nilang katulong na si Jhemmie Stefania "Pepay" Ong noh??? Neknek nila. baka guto nilang pasakan ko ang pwet nila ng mga kwitis at paputukin sa Chinese New year??? mga leche sila!

Cute ko sa Picture ano? Syempre nakanganga na naman ako kasi may isang kargador ng tikoy at mooncake na bakat na bakat ang notes sa shorts nya! yum! Sinundan ko nga yun, kaso ang bilis maglakad! sayang, panlaman tyan din yun, mga ateh.

Anyway, gagawa ako ng New year's resolutions ko... At hindi kasama si Gemmalyn dun, nyetang babaing yun. CuntWhoreBitchSlut.

PS. Abangan nyo yung papadala kong Tikoy, sosyal kasi Kate Spade Wrappers at cards ang pambalot ko nun, at meron pang trinkets from Tiffany's. Hope you girls like it!

PPS. Hoy Vi, balita ko may bago ka nang trabaho. Pa-cheeseburger ka naman!

Lotsa Tikoy,

Festive Chehe.

Chenelyn-Jemmalyn Showdown 2000

Nakakalurky mga gurlz.

Si Jemmalyn, impaktang yun, rumarampa din dun sa bagong construction site. As in nagmamaganda pa sya! Todo chinsansu ang fez at Johnsons baby cologne ang bruha! As if naman makakabog nya ang Shisheido skin care at Marc Jacobs outfit ko!

Kasi, i was out rampa noh, mega pa cute pa nga ako sa off-shoulder oversize sweater, denim capri pants at chain belt at mouse flats (All from Marc Jacobs.) Then from the corner of my eye i saw this bitch with the yucky fake brown over processed over rebond hair, t-shirt na 3 for 100 sa 168, at chakang acid washed na jeans na superfit sa thighs at mega flared, and those yucky fake birkinstock sandals na nabibili sa divisoria for 35 pesos, anubaaaaah.

Napansin ko, it's JEMMALYN!!!!! Nakikipaglandian sa mga boyz ko! lecheng hinayupak na bitch na yun, inaaswang si Carding, Nestor at Jimboy.

I shouted at her, "PUTANG INA KA, malandi kang slut ka! Whore! Whore! Slut! CUNNNNNT!!!!!" Hindi ko na napigil ang sarili ko tumakbo ako at bigla akong nag-dive to her direction... i grabbed her by her overprocessed hair, tapos kinaladkad ko sya across the street. i made sure na kaladkarin ko sya against the gravels and sand para masmasakit.

"Chenelyn tama na! dyos ko po, tama na!" she pleaded. pero sa sobrang hatred ko may lalo ko pang drag sya across the putik in the street. Kakaloka kasi the boys are just staring, too shocked to react. Carry lang na masira ang manicure ko from Sally Hansen, pero this bitch has had it coming noh.

Then with my right hand i grabbed her by the collar of her shirt and tried to rip it from her body. Pero because it is so cheap, as expected, madali nga nasira, leaving her na naka-bra at jeans na lang on the street. Nyahahah! napigtal pa yung fake na Birkinstocks nya! hahahahah!

Then the boys tried to separate us, pero i am still grabbing her by the hair. Umiiyak na sya kasi while i was grabbing her hair with my left hand, i was hitting her ufly fez with my right. kakaloka talaga! para akong si Isabel Rivas! nagdudugo na rin yung anit nya! hahaha!
i was shouting "Fucking slut bitch cunt! Fucking slut bitch cunt!" as i was hitting her. hahahahhaah!

Then when the boys were successful in separating us, i was still kicking her. Putang inang malanding whore ka! i hate you fucking cunt slut! then isang matinging sipa sa pops fernandez nya. she was crying and crying and the boys took us into our own territories. kakapagod neng!

Dapat lang yan sa mga malalanding putah na tulad ni Jemmalyn, tinuturuan ng leksyon.

Si Chenelyn ang nagwagi!


Eto ang napala ng putah


Lots of Jemmalyn's blood in my hands, (mahirap mag-type ah)

Cheche

Day out with Cousin Bebeng

Hola Bitcholas!

My cousin Marivic Masangkay, but you can call her Bebeng, is so sad because she got fired from her Call Center job. She went to me crying "Vi! Vi! natanggala ako sa trabaho!" I felt so bad kasi kakagaling ko lang sa Greenbelt shopping, di ko pa nababa yung mga shopping bags ko from Prada and Gucci when she ran to me crying.

"Oh bakit ka naman natanggal ka sa trabaho?" i asked.

"Kasi," she sobbed, "I hab dis kostumer caller, he waz asking the refair ceynter of his Wazing Masheyn..." Oh diba, pilitin pa mag-english habang nagdadrama, gaga ka.

"Then he started laffing at my engliz becoz he not understanding me... I felt so insult noh, so i said to him 'isaksak mo sa baga mo yang washing machine mo! bwaka ng inang pakshet ka! letse!!!'" she said.

"Then the caller asked for manijer and tell him the story. I deny what i do, telling him the Mr. Caller is tell a lie and i did not say bad word to him. But i did not know that our conversation is recording...so they catch me tell a lie, then i was pired! PIRED! HUHUHUHUHU!"

Then she started to make hagulgol! Yung sound ng cow ginigilitan ng buhay, dyos ko po!

So we decided to go out and have fun and forget all of her problems. We went to her favorite hangout, Market!Market! at the Fort. She said the people there are so 'cool.'

Dyos ko, mga ineng. Ang idea nya pala ng 'cool' is yung mga istambay sa pembo at cembo at comembo at kung anu-ano pang 'embo'. Nakakalurky. So i told her na pumunta sa Boni High Street, para mas-effect ang look ko. Red vintage galliano dress (C.1996) and matching shoes. We went to the park and she just went wild! "Naku, Vi, it is so superduperbyitipul pleys here! All the peepz are so social! ay Vi! Der is havaianas store! let's cheking it in and out! Social ang havaianas, my co-workers wear havaianas during the friday night shift, they are so cool and social."

"Bebeng, what's so social about tsinelas?" i asked.

"Huh? they are not tsinelas, they are Havaianas, see? H-A-V-A-I-A-N-A-S" she said

"Alam ko, tonta! you don't have to spell it out to me, gagah! Tsinelas lang yan, no matter what the spelling is!" i retorted.

"Naku, Vi, isfelling is imfortant, bcoz, once i once wear havaianas at work, but my officematez start laffing @ me. Bcoz my Havaianas are actually Havanas!!! i was so shame. So with the magic of liquid paper is write 'ai' in betweens 'v' & 'a'. but the laff even loudlier."

"Fake yung tsinelas mo." I said

"Ya, i should have know. Di talaga mapagkakatiwalaan ang mga chekwa, chekwa kasi nagbenta sa akin nun sa 168," she replied.

So she chose the most affordable pair of Havaianas there is and nakakaloka pa kasi sumigaw sya sa gitna ng store nung magkulang yung pera nya pambili.

"SHEEEEEEEEEEET! MY MONEY IS SHORT! MY MONEY IS SHORT! Huhuhuhu" she cried.

Ok fine, i used my Gold HSBC Mastercard to pay for the goddammed tsinelas. So she was finally happy. And i bought her extra pair of tsinelas from Crocs, that would make her happy for at least 6 months.

Lech. tsinelas lang pala ang makakapagpaligaya kay Bebeng.

V. xxx

Anyway, we took some pictures of her na ilalagay nya daw sa friendster nya. oh gaga.

Chonkang Chinovela

Mga Diosa,

Heto na yata ang pinaka nakakasulaok na karanasan ko sa buong napakasexy kong buhay. Mas nakakasulahok pa sa isang tabo ng jumod na binuhos sa bunganga. Jhovs darling! sorry talaga, akala ko pa naman alam mo na pag sinabi kong tunnel...sisid neng! Alam mo nmang between friends at hotdog, diba a eh priority talaga ang hotdog...di nman na tago sa iyo na hindi ako nakain diba...un lng ang source ng energy ko...churi na! churi! churi! Treat na lng kita later sa Banana Q han sa knto ung malapit sa construction! Ang sarap sarap! Ay oo nga pala sad ako! Lecheng Washington yan...mga diosa pagnakita nyo sya yayayin nyo mag tripping, paramihan ng kain ng lechon kawali...ng lamunin na ng hukay yung elepanteng yun! nyetz talaga! di bale sana kung mala elepante rin ang hotdog nya eh baka pagisipan ko pa. Iyak ako ng iyak kagabi dahil hindi ko sinipot ng ka date ko pagtapos kong mag-tunnel. Tapos umaaligod pa tong chekwang majubis na ito. Hindi na ata matatapos ang chinovela na ito. I need peace, saka titeh!

Washington ur so baboy! oink!

Che-che

PS. Veeee wud u know if single si jessica rowena..i reto mo kya washing! puhlease!

Le Jour de Porcs

Mga dhays,

Haaaay im so blue! I miss Paris! miss ko rin si ma'am nimpa, ano kaya ginagawa nila ngayun ni ser! sinubukan kong mag dvd marathon gaya mo V, may nabili si Gemmalyn na dvd set ng Lotlot and friends at Magasawa'y di biro! My god san nga ba si Marilyn Villamayor?? Anyways i make yaya Chenelyn to go shopping. I tried callin you V and bherns...seems you are busy-busyhan. Well, wala ang dragon...nasa Sta. Ana, fiesta kasi sa Sutter "Annual Katayan Festival" kaibigan nya kasi ung kagawad dun! Ewwww talaga..basta sa libreng paglamon in si ma'am Nievs!!!

Im so excired pa naman to sport my new outfits from paris, nang magback out ang chonkang chenylyn...

"Jhovs...something came up...cant join you today"

"Ano nman yun, ang linaw ng usapan natin diba?"

"Sensya na jhoverlyn...oopps tunnel...."

I swear kakalbuhin ko yung pops fernandez nya...kapag nakita ko sya!!! Tunnel? anong tunnel? wala nmang tunnel sa village nila!!! may masabi lang leche!!! So i decided to go na lang sa Rockwell alone para to make limot paris...then out of nowhere...

"Jhovs! Jhovs!..."

Dios ko sana sinusutan na lng nya ko noh!!!

"Washington?"

Ngayun alam ko bna kung bakit tumakas si cheche...

Mga ateeeh ! di ko na naiisip ang paris..kahit si ma'am nimpa...dahil sa pinabot na picture nya for cheche...i shared this hindi dahil sa gusto ko rin kyo magka nightmares at sumuka kahit wlang kinakain...Tangina ka che-che!!! kakalbuhin kita chonkkang ka!!

disgusted jhovy

Ang Chaka ni Jessica Rowena.

Hi ladies (Bee and Jo) and putah (Cece)

Guess what? I was checking out the newly opened Greenbelt 5, (I was wearing the houndstooth jacket from Dior, black satin pencil skirt and black tights from D&G, Jimmy Choo black satin pumps) and who did i see... it was Weng! Yes, Jessica Rowena Madukdok the one and only. Remember we used to tease her alot about her humungous breasts? hahaha! anyway, nakakaloka kasi nagmamamganda na ang putah. Call Center agent na daw sya, chu chu... Pero bakit kaya ganun, parang naging elitista sya once she was hired sa call center? Eh I can remember when we were classmates sa Pio del Pilar High School, chika-chika kami. Saan na napunta ang panahon? (saan na nga ba? saan na nga ba?... anubaaaaah naging Apo Hiking Society?)

anyway, she was like always bragging about her Zara clothes. ZARA??? BRAGGING??? Isn't it parang tayo pa ang nahihiya kapag naka-Zara tayo? hello, remember once we were supposed to go to a textmatez grand EB (eyeball) and need new outfits we went to Zara cause we don't have enough money for Dior or Gucci? We bought these cheap silly outfits from Zara and then we decided we aren't fabulous enough so we stayed na lang sa Luneta eating cotton candy and making pa-picture with the souvenir guy? We were so depressed, Bee maxed out her credit card and we were just there in Luneta.

Anyway, i ignored her bragging and she noticed my fabulous jacket.

"uy ganda ha!magkano bili mo nyan sa SM?" she said.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON!!!," I almost shouted.(nakakahiya nga kasi napatingin yung cute na guy shopping at Havaianas (eew, havaianas.) "This is Christian Dior by John Galliano!!!"

"ay! sorry, my wrong," she apologized. "So saang ukay-ukay mo nabili yan?"

i thought for a bit, "Saang...what?"

"Ukay-ukay, UK," she answered.

"Parang Saks Fifth Avenue ba yan or Harvey Nichols?" i asked, not knowing what she is talking about.

"ay nako forget it, tara shopping tayo!" sabi ni Rowena.

Ayoko, ang cheap mong babaeng baklang panget ka eh, nakakahiya kang kasama, mas gugustuhin ko nang sumama sa pulubing taga-Payatas na may colonostromy bag, bulag at putol ang kaliwang paa at mabaho pa sa ihi ng pusa. I wanted to say noh. kaloka

but instead, i told her: "laters! am about to be called on my cellphone."

"ang sosy-sosy naman 'Laters' pa talaga! hehehe!" sabi nya.

"hehe." i said, and once i turned my back, i cursed "Susoh mong sinlaki ng kay marissa delgado, maitim lang ang utongra."

Lech yang si Rowena. kainis. i hope you guys hate her too.

lots of hate,

V. xxx

Anyway, i took a snapshot of her habang nagpapasikat outside greenbelt 5. Nakakaloka dibah?